Keep it zipped, Mitt

By Michael J.W. Stickings

Ann Romney says there's a "real" Mitt lurking somewhere behind the shameless pandering facade of a human being we've seen so far on the campaign trail:

Ann Romney defended her husband's sense of humor today during a radio interview, explaining that if people think the candidate seems too stiff at times as the host suggested, she thinks "we better unzip him and let the real Mitt Romney out."

The thing is, if you unzip Mitt, isn't what you'll find... stiff?

Sorry, but that's the double entendre here. And if you're going to use the word "upzip," Ann, you'd better be prepared for the obvious.

Seriously, maybe there is some semblance of a real human being, a real Mitt, down in there somewhere, but does anyone really believe that the upzipped Mitt on the campaign trail would be all that different than the zipped version? Even the unzipped one would be completely phony and manufactured, just as much an act of shameless pandering. Remember Mitt in Alabama saying "y'all" and talking about eatin' cheesy grits? Remember how utterly ridiculous that was? Well, the unzipped Mitt would be just like that, Mitt trying desperately, pathetically, to come across as authentic and genuine -- and failing miserably.

Because, really, the real Mitt is probably the privileged rich douchebag who's been out there sucking up for votes, an out-of-touch plutocrat who just keeps embarrassing himself on the campaign trail. Sure, he may have something of a sense of humor, and maybe that's what Ann sees, but there's no way Mitt will suddenly expose himself, such as there is a self with a soul in there, for all to see. He's too far gone for that.

I am Ann Romney

(Ed. note: We received such positive responses to our posts by the fourth Mrs. Limbaugh, Kathryn Rogers, which you can find here and here, that we thought we'd invite another woman married to a leading Republican to write for us. So here you go. Ann Romney -- in her own words. Take it away, Ann!)

Hi! It's me, Ann Romney! How are you all doing out there in bloggerland? I don't go on the computer much, I have to admit. Tagg showed me how to "log on," as he called it. I am so square. My family makes fun of me. 

So I decided to try this blogging thing after I heard about Kathy Limbaugh doing it. Can you believe all the problems her and her husband Rush have been having? Poor Rush. The message was clear enough, but my husband Mitt and I agree that Rush should have used a different choice of words. I asked Mitt if he would talk to Rush about it and he said he would. I think he called him a few times, but Rush hasn't returned his calls yet. Turns out, Rush is not an easy person to reach.

Anyway, it's great to be here talking directly to the American people. I am very thankful for the opportunity.

It is so exciting to be here and to be riding this wave of excitement and support that you all have shown for my husband Mitt. I have to tell you, these past eight years haven't been easy for us. I feel like we have been running for President forever. I remember when we started. At the time our third home had not even been renovated yet. It's funny. Somehow I can remember dates and events by which house we were renovating at the time. But you should see the house now. It is really something.

And I am proud to tell you we do not employee a single illegal alien! Our entire staff, in every one of our homes, including the maids, gardeners, drivers, even the people who tend to our horses, come signed sealed and delivered, 100% Grade A legal! In fact, just the other day I was speaking to one of our staff. I can't recall her name, but she told me how proud she was to be in America legally. I kindly told her "you're welcome." Isn't that great? The American Dream is alive and well in our homes and we are so proud to be a part of it!

My family is so proud to be able to employ so many hard working people. It is a testament to who we are as a family and who my husband is as a man and as a candidate. I tell you, sometimes with all the people around us doing all their daily activities, I don't even feel rich. Sometimes I feel like I am down there in the trenches with all of them. Sometimes I even help out. For example, the other night I was helping our chef open a wine bottle and we got to chatting about his family. His wife works two jobs! Isn't that such a uniquely American story? I told him I also have two jobs. I look after my husband, which let me tell you, is a full time job in and of itself, and I am also a mom to my five wonderful children. It is the hardest job you'll ever love, I always say. It really humbles me. And it is that experience that I will bring to the White House as your First Lady.

To give you another example about how normal we really are, I remember when Mitt worked in the private sector. He would come home concerned and depressed about all the layoffs that occurred as a result of some merger or takeover his company had to do that week. But my husband was and is resilient. By the next day he was singing to himself again, once more the usual chipper fellow I fell in love with. This is who he will be as your President. He is not distracted by pessimism. But he does have feelings and that is what I am trying to convey.

Too often Mitt gets a bad rap for being uncaring or cold. It is so false. But he takes it all in stride. At the end of the day Mitt understands that to make things better you have to have "creative destruction," as he calls it, and then turn that into something better. That is his plan for America.

As my daddy used to say, you can't enjoy mashed potatoes unless you first boil raw potatoes until they are soft, mushy and easily squashed. I never understood what he meant until my husband decided to run for Governor all those years ago. Now I understand it completely. America is that raw potato.

President Obama seems satisfied with America being a raw potato. But as Mitt always says, America needs to be transformed, turned into yummy mashed potatoes, as we often joke around the dinner table. As President, Mitt will ensure that America is turned into those mashed potatoes. To get there will take an entire nation working together to make it happen. I liken it to Mitt being the restaurant owner with all of you being the line cooks working hard in the kitchen.

Together we can turn America into a heaping bowl of mashed potatoes! Together we can make America yummy again!

Thank you all for reading. See you on the trail and God Bless America!

**********

Guest post by tmcbpatriot (not Ann Romney, but close) 

tmcbpatriot's informative and always entertaining blog, Take My Country Back, emanates from somewhere out in the Midwest. He writes passionately and as often as possible about a confused, mindless right wing hopelessly lost in the abyss of endless lies and misdirection. 

Ed. note: This is the patriot's fifth guest post for us. His first was on how it's about the vagina, stupid, his second was on gay marriage and the end of the GOP, and his third and fourth were the posts by "Kathryn Rogers." -- MJWS

The Romneying of Ann Romney: Is she a privileged rich douchebag, too?

By Michael J.W. Stickings

You'll recall that "Romneying," one of the key neologisms of the political season, is defined as "accidentally bragging about your place high up in the economic stratosphere."

Well, there's a variation of that, and it's denying that you're in the economic stratosphere even though you most certainly are, a sort of faux humility that we've seen frequently in the faux populism of Mitt Romney, like when he tried to pander to the struggling masses by saying that he doesn't have a job, without mention of his massive investment income and personal wealth.

Cue Mrs. Romney, who let loose this whopper today:

We can be poor in spirit, and I don't even consider myself wealthy, which is an interesting thing, it can be here today and gone tomorrow.

Actually, a quarter of a billion dollars, which is the Romneys' estimated worth, likely won't be gone tomorrow. But I guess that's rather hard to see when you're driving a couple of Cadillacs, are married to a privileged rich douchebag, and, well, are clearly something of an out-of-touch douchebag yourself.